"right now/i'm dying inside/and i don't ever wanna feel it again/and it's time/to make it alright/ because i wanna know how the story ends." -right now, Brooke Barretsmith
do you know why i hate swimming? when i was younger, I had a recurring dream/vision. I was in a pool. it was pool of desire. as i swam further into the darkness, i allowed myself to be chained down. eventually, i wanted to escape. i fought against the chains, but they wouldn't tear. foolishly, i'd swallowed the key. so, i drowned in my own desire. i awoke in a hospital bed. I couldn't  breath. I don't think anyone knew i was dead. i don't think anyone cared. then, he came. he gave me breath and he made me new. i am free. no longer do i drown; now, i walk on water. but, i can't go back. and i'm terrified of drowning. so, i hate swimming.
they say everything will be alright; if it's not alright, then it's not the end. but sometimes the end is eternity. always remember, love is patient.

NaNoWriMo!

"30 days and nights of literary abdomen." Ouch. Just FYI, I will not be staying up late to do this. NaNo Eve. Wish me luck.

love to you all, M

emptiness is... what?

right now i just feel so empty. i don't feel purposeful; i don't feel movement to do something greater. i just feel abandoned. i feel like i'm running out of time; after all, i've so many regrets from times passed. i wish i could make a change, but i don't feel like anything i'm doing right now has a purpose. i guess maybe the little things matter, but it seems like they only matter to me. and i've been told a million and 2 times (I counted) that it's not about me. 1) what is it?? life? purpose? eternity? asking the broken girl to sit with me at lunch then being given a 'raincheck'.. it only matters to me. i don't think she even gave it a second thought. the question being: what's the point?
i'm losing you, i'm losing you, i'm losing you.
yours truly, M

my life in words

I'm doing NaNoWriMo. If you don't know what that is; nanowrimo.org. Basically, it's this deal where you write 50,000 words in a month. 1,666 words a day. Ouch. So, wish me luck. Secondly, I'm going a cruise. WOOOOOOHOOOOO.... I think maybe I'm a bit overexcited;)
Haha, so a week without blogging. And possibly internet, but I'm not clear on that. So, I'll talk to you soon. My life is kind of messy right now; haters suck. I would appreciate prayer.
I hope your life is better than mine.
Yours truly, M

i am wiped out right now. i am tired, i am broken, i have no time, no energy, and little faith. oh well, from a mustard seed of faith He can grow many things. something to consider.
I close my eyes and see a better day. I close my eyes.. and just pray. 
yours truly, M

control freak

my life is in chaos. i felt like i had it all in place, then in a split second it all fell apart. a different school, the 'opportunity' to make new friends. granted, this is possible, yet, likely. this is not what i want. friends i've had for a long time are now slipping away; even the new friends i've gained, i feel like i'm losing. so, in an effort to keep them from leaving, i boss them around. but, they leave anyways. i'm shutting myself out, so that if anyone does leave, i won't notice at all. i'm a control freak losing control. that's a dangerous situation.
and i can feel myself losing grip, slipping away, and finally falling. but will anyone catch me.
yours truly, M

still searching

I am afraid. I am frightened. Frightened that if I remove the dense mask that coats my hidden face, I will be rejected. So, I hide my true self behind a mask of immaturity, happiness, and false confidence. But I am made in Your image- for have You not said so? And if You are beautiful, then am I not beautiful as well? Yet, even with this assurance, I mask my beauty. I mask the beauty which you have given me because of shame. Ashamed of my imperfections. But imperfections

 are beautiful- did You not create me full being, imperfections and all? I believe it is possible to be beautifully imperfect. I put my assurance in only You. No longer do I place a false sense of confidence up as a wall around me, but I trust You. You, my amazing creator.

I am Yours. Your beautiful imperfection.

-i miss being able to write like this. in time, maybe, just maybe, i will regain what i have lost; talent. but in order to regain talent i also need inspiration. 

'cuz it feels like i don't belong here...'

 is this what i was created for? to be tormented by my daunting past? to shove myself into the role they've created for me? no, i don't think so. i've tried to be someone else, but look at what that got me. this, this which i despise entirely. this part i have selected to play, this role i am choosing to perform. this time, it's not their fault. it's my own.. and i'm the one who has to clean up this mess entitled: myself.
you think you know where you're going. you believed it to be true. then one day, you wake and realize that you're just a fake. so what do you do now, you've already screwed up your second chance and you have nowhere to go? are you alone, or is there still someone out there who cares?
shut up voices.
yours truly, M

in need of a little inspiration

i'm going back over all the songs from camp, i'm reading my Bible like they told me to. i've been with the people there, but i'm not feeling the feeling i felt there. i'm wondering where the awe went, i'm wondering where the feeling of complete and total inspiration went. i promised myself i would never let go.. but i did. and i've been regretting that choice for the past two weeks. i'm back to chasing stars.
wishing for a better week,
yours truly, M

His love never fails

I know you aren't happy with what you have been given. I know you don't see the value now, but I promise you will soon. Remember: a day to you is like a second to me. I know it hurts when they reject you, I know because they rejected me too. I understand you even though you may not. I know you think you don't feel anything when you block them out, but that's when you feel the most. You may feel completely oblivious, but that's when you're the most vulnerable. People may tell you that they know everything about you, that this is how life is supposed to be. This is not at all how I destined life to be. You were made for so much more. Never let them tell you that you were meant to be put out. Allow me to light your heart with a fire so bold that it will not be smothered by the insults they hurl or the things they do. With me, you will be an eternal flame. Shine to your full potential.

With mighty plans,

Your Creator; Jesus Christ

just a little something from me to you

From Audrey and Marilyn:
 "I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles." - Audrey Hepburn


"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others. For beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness. For a slimmer figure, share your food with the hungry. And for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone. People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, and reclaimed. Never throw anyone out." -Audrey Hepburn


"Nothing it impossible, the word itself says 'i'm possible!'" -Audrey Hepburn


"The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman is seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It's the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows & the beauty of a woman only grows with passing years." -Audrey Hepburn


"Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it's at the end of your arm, as you get older, remember you have another hand: The first is to help yourself, the second is to help others." -Audrey Hepburn


"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure don't deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe


"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."  -Marilyn Monroe


"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."  -Marilyn Monroe


"Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world." -Marilyn Monroe


"If I'd observed all the rules I'd never have got anywhere."  -Marilyn Monroe


Have a great week, beautiful. God loves you. 
yours truly, M 

last minute

i have 20 minutes. 20 minutes before the chaos of the day will come rolling in. It's not necessarily chaos, I want it to happen, but the last day of my long weekend will have gone by very quickly when i am concluding it. in other words, this is last minute.
i wonder.. does anyone actually read this blog? besides, you know the first 2 posts or my bio. do they care about what i have to say or is it just an endless babble about my life. well, i don't want to babble. i love babbling, but i don't want to post random rants on the internet. so, if you have anything you want me to say; whether it be conversing your life or your story, events, topics, or really anything at all. email me. i will reply and if i think it's beneficial i will post it on my blog. the.only.unknown.one@gmail.com
yours truly, M
p.s. sorry for the big words!

loss

i hate losing. losing a basketball game, losing a friend, losing someone I wish I could hold onto. i think loss is my weakness. there are people i wouldn't want to give up on. ever. i call them friends. i love them. but if it came down to it would i let them go? would i lose them knowing that they would gain something better. i'm not sure.
i lost someone. the hardest loss i ever went through was a friend. a best friend, actually. she knew everything about me. and then.. she left. i knew it was coming. i knew she had to leave. but why, I asked God.
because she was only a loan, He said. i know. loans have to be returned. but please... can't You just wait a little bit longer? No, I have a purpose for her somewhere else. So i said goodbye. But I never truly let go.
to my best friend and little sister: i love you to death. i hold you in my heart and i'm never ever going to forget about you. ever. i promise. God has great things for you. i will see you again. one day. soon. but for now, farwell.
yours truly, M

struggling

I can't pretend that I know you or what you face every day. I'm not going to pretend that I feel what you feel, see what you see, or hear what you hear. But I can say this: we all struggle. Some more than others, and some pretend not to, but we all do. It's just a consequence of sin. And believe me when I say this: STRUGGLING IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It's the fault of sin. Now, in no way does this justify your sins. No, sin is the problem not the excuse. But we aren't looking for an excuse to struggle. No, I don't know of anyone who likes to struggle. but, we weren't made to face this alone. ( i know, i know, i'm totally quoting here) we were made to bring our problems on God (cast your problems on Him for He cares for you) and to share burdens with other Christians (not 'christians', followers of Christ). find someone to trust. and trust God, He will never fail you.
yours truly, M
p.s. please, please, please email me: the.only.unknown.one@gmail.com! i'll reply, i promise. and i don't break promises.

freedom

I hate this game. This stupid tug of war I'm playing with myself. Awkward or immature. I'm not sure which one I hate more! All I know is that I was made for more than all of this random drama I've created. Have I not been remade? Or am I still held captive by the chains that bound me to myself? I thought I'd laid them down. I thought I'd given up. Apparently I thought wrong. Because I'm still my selfish self. Not the self I was created to be.
I thought this would be a better year, I promised myself I would make it amazing. But I can't do this alone.  I thought I could.. and I just didn't realize that it was a waste to try because I would only fail anyway. Well, thank God for second chances. But this time, I won't do it alone. Because I want to be more than I am now. I want to be extraordinary. And right now I am merely ordinary..
No longer torn. Those chains have been broken, breaking me from myself. I AM FREE. finally, after years and years of trying I no longer have to try to break me from myself. because i have been broken. at last. none of it matters anymore. none of the effort i've put into building up myself. my walls have finally come down. my mask has been washed away and my heart has been melted. i am no longer awkward, nor immature. i no longer have to choose! my greatest enemy, that is, myself, has been killed. then, resurrected with Christ. but, this time, I am not my own. I am a new creation. no longer toying with choices or hatred. i am His.
yours truly, M

alone

I feel alone. Loneliness has been chasing me for the past few days. And it's finally caught up.
It's late at night and no one is online. No one is replying to my texts and my closest friends don't text. I feel like God is somewhere else and He's forgotten about me.
Slowly, it's going away. I am not alone. I am not alone. I know it. But why do I not believe it? I suppose it's because I cannot see.. it is easy to believe in what we see, after all. i wrote this a while ago:


A thousand voices screaming my name, a billion people dragging me away and I can't tell if you're one or not. Are you here with me when im screaming? When the crowds pulling me under and throwing me down do you understand how it feels to be trampled like dirt? Is this what you made me for or is there more? I'm so confused and so hurt, my heart is racing and my head is throbbing.. Are you hear when I'm slipping away? 
Is my head with my heart or am I falling apart? I'm losing you and I'm losing myself.  Are you here.. Are you here?
Why do I not believe? Youve said a thousand times you're near yet I refuse to believe; maybe I'm only fooling myself. I don't know the difference, I can't tell the truth from the lies. Do I believe or do I doubt? Who are you really? I am so unsure.

Won't you find me.. Find me. I seek your face only to find clouds when I wish for the sun. You say youre everywhere yet I don't feel you here. Are you real? I am so weak to doubt yet you are so strong...
Am I yours because I'm not my own? This life is a wreck won't you consume? 
This life is yours.


you are not alone. He is with you.. whenever, wherever, always and forever <3




yours truly, M

just another piece of my heart.

Welcome to my world. Rather, God's world. This blog is merely scattered pieces of my heart that I'm slowly bringing together.

hopefully one day I'll be able to make it look like this. but, not now. this is the time for God's work.
i'm just another person lost in a sea of faces. i love to have fun with friends and i hate being alone more than anything. i'm claustrophobic and i HATE HATE HATE clowns. not the people just their job. i love to read and write. i have ambitious dreams and i believe that in God's hands my dreams will become a reality.  I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. -Philippians 4:13 I have a lot of people that tell me what to do, who I should be, and where I belong. Well, some of them are wrong. You should know: I don't listen to people who shove their opinions in my face. I like people who give me space. I want to know your opinion, but please, for your sake, don't force it on me. I love all the friends that I have, but I always love to make a new friend. I have no clue what each day brings and I try to find joy in the little things. If you have questions please ask them and I'll answer honestly, I promise. and i don't break my promises. if i say something, i mean it. if i believe something, i live it. please stick around. like i said, i love making friends.

yours truly, M

Three..

Haven't written anything good in a while so here's a go. Tell me what you think:

The first was an average height fourteen year old from Florida. Despite being in the sun most of the year, she had pale alabaster toned skin. Her hair was somewhere between red and brown and her eyes were a supreme shade of blue. She wasn't anything special; just a typical private school student who played tennis and rode horses on the weekends. Her name was Megin Sparks, but at some point in her life she'd earned the nickname Blaze.

Mackenzie had three siblings. Being the oldest of the bunch, she often found herself a caretaker to her rowdy brothers. Her family lived on a small, five acre farm in the middle of rural Kansas. She'd been raised a country girl, but secretly she hated it. When she turned eighteen she planned to move to L.A and make her way as a model. She still had three more years until that happened. She was extremely attractive with her rich, chocolate curls and bright green eyes. Not that beauty would get you anything in Kansas..

She was a dancer. At least, she used to be. Now she was a cheerleader. She'd had six boyfriends in the past two months and nearly all the guys in the school liked her. Not only that, but every girl who laid eyes on her wanted to be her. She was perfect with evenly tanned skin, straight blonde hair, and exquisite brown eyes. Daniella Monterey Miguel-Dani, to everyone who knew her- was a star. And she loved shining.

Comparison

They don't notice me. No matter how nicely I dress, no matter how much time I spend in front of the mirror, it doesn't matter to them. I think it will, so I buy all the nice clothes, I style my hair just right. But they don't even notice. And it all feels like a waste.
Goodbye facebook. I need to get away from you. I see all these things people say to each other- they're loved, they're missed, they're noticed. So apparently, due to my lack of wall posts, I'm not loved, missed, or noticed. It's stupid, really. And I need to stop. I need to stop comparing my looks, my attention, and myself to other people.
"Comparison is the thief of joy." -Audrey Hepburn
So totally true. I have great friends, yet I want everyone to be my friend. Because I see what I do not have, I want more. And what I have becomes minimal, unimportant. What I have is so important to me. But, yet, looking at what others have, it becomes less so. It doesn't have to be this way.
I am loved. I am missed. I am noticed. I believe this to be true, whether or not it seems to be so. And I don't need what they have because I have more than enough already. So I'm done comparing.

Let God bring you joy and rejoice in what He has given to you.

My Blogsphere

I am an object of God's love. Period. I have already found my identity and my purpose. I am new. The me of yesterday is gone. Today is a new day and who knows what tomorrow brings. Please don't leave yet. A new perspective is often worthwhile and I can offer you this. So, stay a while. I won't waste your time. If I could promise you one thing, it would be this: I am not like anyone you have ever met- or any blog you have ever read. My blog is not meant to entertain you or to pile my problems onto you. No, not in the least. My blog was meant to change you. To move your heart toward God's love. To help you find the source of passion- of life and of creation. My mission is to change the world, and your life. So, read. You may be surprised at what you find.
Until later-
Max