emptiness is... what?

right now i just feel so empty. i don't feel purposeful; i don't feel movement to do something greater. i just feel abandoned. i feel like i'm running out of time; after all, i've so many regrets from times passed. i wish i could make a change, but i don't feel like anything i'm doing right now has a purpose. i guess maybe the little things matter, but it seems like they only matter to me. and i've been told a million and 2 times (I counted) that it's not about me. 1) what is it?? life? purpose? eternity? asking the broken girl to sit with me at lunch then being given a 'raincheck'.. it only matters to me. i don't think she even gave it a second thought. the question being: what's the point?
i'm losing you, i'm losing you, i'm losing you.
yours truly, M

my life in words

I'm doing NaNoWriMo. If you don't know what that is; nanowrimo.org. Basically, it's this deal where you write 50,000 words in a month. 1,666 words a day. Ouch. So, wish me luck. Secondly, I'm going a cruise. WOOOOOOHOOOOO.... I think maybe I'm a bit overexcited;)
Haha, so a week without blogging. And possibly internet, but I'm not clear on that. So, I'll talk to you soon. My life is kind of messy right now; haters suck. I would appreciate prayer.
I hope your life is better than mine.
Yours truly, M

i am wiped out right now. i am tired, i am broken, i have no time, no energy, and little faith. oh well, from a mustard seed of faith He can grow many things. something to consider.
I close my eyes and see a better day. I close my eyes.. and just pray. 
yours truly, M

control freak

my life is in chaos. i felt like i had it all in place, then in a split second it all fell apart. a different school, the 'opportunity' to make new friends. granted, this is possible, yet, likely. this is not what i want. friends i've had for a long time are now slipping away; even the new friends i've gained, i feel like i'm losing. so, in an effort to keep them from leaving, i boss them around. but, they leave anyways. i'm shutting myself out, so that if anyone does leave, i won't notice at all. i'm a control freak losing control. that's a dangerous situation.
and i can feel myself losing grip, slipping away, and finally falling. but will anyone catch me.
yours truly, M

still searching

I am afraid. I am frightened. Frightened that if I remove the dense mask that coats my hidden face, I will be rejected. So, I hide my true self behind a mask of immaturity, happiness, and false confidence. But I am made in Your image- for have You not said so? And if You are beautiful, then am I not beautiful as well? Yet, even with this assurance, I mask my beauty. I mask the beauty which you have given me because of shame. Ashamed of my imperfections. But imperfections

 are beautiful- did You not create me full being, imperfections and all? I believe it is possible to be beautifully imperfect. I put my assurance in only You. No longer do I place a false sense of confidence up as a wall around me, but I trust You. You, my amazing creator.

I am Yours. Your beautiful imperfection.

-i miss being able to write like this. in time, maybe, just maybe, i will regain what i have lost; talent. but in order to regain talent i also need inspiration. 

'cuz it feels like i don't belong here...'

 is this what i was created for? to be tormented by my daunting past? to shove myself into the role they've created for me? no, i don't think so. i've tried to be someone else, but look at what that got me. this, this which i despise entirely. this part i have selected to play, this role i am choosing to perform. this time, it's not their fault. it's my own.. and i'm the one who has to clean up this mess entitled: myself.
you think you know where you're going. you believed it to be true. then one day, you wake and realize that you're just a fake. so what do you do now, you've already screwed up your second chance and you have nowhere to go? are you alone, or is there still someone out there who cares?
shut up voices.
yours truly, M

in need of a little inspiration

i'm going back over all the songs from camp, i'm reading my Bible like they told me to. i've been with the people there, but i'm not feeling the feeling i felt there. i'm wondering where the awe went, i'm wondering where the feeling of complete and total inspiration went. i promised myself i would never let go.. but i did. and i've been regretting that choice for the past two weeks. i'm back to chasing stars.
wishing for a better week,
yours truly, M

His love never fails

I know you aren't happy with what you have been given. I know you don't see the value now, but I promise you will soon. Remember: a day to you is like a second to me. I know it hurts when they reject you, I know because they rejected me too. I understand you even though you may not. I know you think you don't feel anything when you block them out, but that's when you feel the most. You may feel completely oblivious, but that's when you're the most vulnerable. People may tell you that they know everything about you, that this is how life is supposed to be. This is not at all how I destined life to be. You were made for so much more. Never let them tell you that you were meant to be put out. Allow me to light your heart with a fire so bold that it will not be smothered by the insults they hurl or the things they do. With me, you will be an eternal flame. Shine to your full potential.

With mighty plans,

Your Creator; Jesus Christ

just a little something from me to you

From Audrey and Marilyn:
 "I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles." - Audrey Hepburn


"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others. For beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness. For a slimmer figure, share your food with the hungry. And for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone. People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, and reclaimed. Never throw anyone out." -Audrey Hepburn


"Nothing it impossible, the word itself says 'i'm possible!'" -Audrey Hepburn


"The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman is seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It's the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows & the beauty of a woman only grows with passing years." -Audrey Hepburn


"Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it's at the end of your arm, as you get older, remember you have another hand: The first is to help yourself, the second is to help others." -Audrey Hepburn


"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure don't deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe


"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."  -Marilyn Monroe


"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."  -Marilyn Monroe


"Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world." -Marilyn Monroe


"If I'd observed all the rules I'd never have got anywhere."  -Marilyn Monroe


Have a great week, beautiful. God loves you. 
yours truly, M 

last minute

i have 20 minutes. 20 minutes before the chaos of the day will come rolling in. It's not necessarily chaos, I want it to happen, but the last day of my long weekend will have gone by very quickly when i am concluding it. in other words, this is last minute.
i wonder.. does anyone actually read this blog? besides, you know the first 2 posts or my bio. do they care about what i have to say or is it just an endless babble about my life. well, i don't want to babble. i love babbling, but i don't want to post random rants on the internet. so, if you have anything you want me to say; whether it be conversing your life or your story, events, topics, or really anything at all. email me. i will reply and if i think it's beneficial i will post it on my blog. the.only.unknown.one@gmail.com
yours truly, M
p.s. sorry for the big words!

loss

i hate losing. losing a basketball game, losing a friend, losing someone I wish I could hold onto. i think loss is my weakness. there are people i wouldn't want to give up on. ever. i call them friends. i love them. but if it came down to it would i let them go? would i lose them knowing that they would gain something better. i'm not sure.
i lost someone. the hardest loss i ever went through was a friend. a best friend, actually. she knew everything about me. and then.. she left. i knew it was coming. i knew she had to leave. but why, I asked God.
because she was only a loan, He said. i know. loans have to be returned. but please... can't You just wait a little bit longer? No, I have a purpose for her somewhere else. So i said goodbye. But I never truly let go.
to my best friend and little sister: i love you to death. i hold you in my heart and i'm never ever going to forget about you. ever. i promise. God has great things for you. i will see you again. one day. soon. but for now, farwell.
yours truly, M