"right now/i'm dying inside/and i don't ever wanna feel it again/and it's time/to make it alright/ because i wanna know how the story ends." -right now, Brooke Barretsmith
do you know why i hate swimming? when i was younger, I had a recurring dream/vision. I was in a pool. it was pool of desire. as i swam further into the darkness, i allowed myself to be chained down. eventually, i wanted to escape. i fought against the chains, but they wouldn't tear. foolishly, i'd swallowed the key. so, i drowned in my own desire. i awoke in a hospital bed. I couldn't  breath. I don't think anyone knew i was dead. i don't think anyone cared. then, he came. he gave me breath and he made me new. i am free. no longer do i drown; now, i walk on water. but, i can't go back. and i'm terrified of drowning. so, i hate swimming.
they say everything will be alright; if it's not alright, then it's not the end. but sometimes the end is eternity. always remember, love is patient.

NaNoWriMo!

"30 days and nights of literary abdomen." Ouch. Just FYI, I will not be staying up late to do this. NaNo Eve. Wish me luck.

love to you all, M

emptiness is... what?

right now i just feel so empty. i don't feel purposeful; i don't feel movement to do something greater. i just feel abandoned. i feel like i'm running out of time; after all, i've so many regrets from times passed. i wish i could make a change, but i don't feel like anything i'm doing right now has a purpose. i guess maybe the little things matter, but it seems like they only matter to me. and i've been told a million and 2 times (I counted) that it's not about me. 1) what is it?? life? purpose? eternity? asking the broken girl to sit with me at lunch then being given a 'raincheck'.. it only matters to me. i don't think she even gave it a second thought. the question being: what's the point?
i'm losing you, i'm losing you, i'm losing you.
yours truly, M

my life in words

I'm doing NaNoWriMo. If you don't know what that is; nanowrimo.org. Basically, it's this deal where you write 50,000 words in a month. 1,666 words a day. Ouch. So, wish me luck. Secondly, I'm going a cruise. WOOOOOOHOOOOO.... I think maybe I'm a bit overexcited;)
Haha, so a week without blogging. And possibly internet, but I'm not clear on that. So, I'll talk to you soon. My life is kind of messy right now; haters suck. I would appreciate prayer.
I hope your life is better than mine.
Yours truly, M

i am wiped out right now. i am tired, i am broken, i have no time, no energy, and little faith. oh well, from a mustard seed of faith He can grow many things. something to consider.
I close my eyes and see a better day. I close my eyes.. and just pray. 
yours truly, M

control freak

my life is in chaos. i felt like i had it all in place, then in a split second it all fell apart. a different school, the 'opportunity' to make new friends. granted, this is possible, yet, likely. this is not what i want. friends i've had for a long time are now slipping away; even the new friends i've gained, i feel like i'm losing. so, in an effort to keep them from leaving, i boss them around. but, they leave anyways. i'm shutting myself out, so that if anyone does leave, i won't notice at all. i'm a control freak losing control. that's a dangerous situation.
and i can feel myself losing grip, slipping away, and finally falling. but will anyone catch me.
yours truly, M

still searching

I am afraid. I am frightened. Frightened that if I remove the dense mask that coats my hidden face, I will be rejected. So, I hide my true self behind a mask of immaturity, happiness, and false confidence. But I am made in Your image- for have You not said so? And if You are beautiful, then am I not beautiful as well? Yet, even with this assurance, I mask my beauty. I mask the beauty which you have given me because of shame. Ashamed of my imperfections. But imperfections

 are beautiful- did You not create me full being, imperfections and all? I believe it is possible to be beautifully imperfect. I put my assurance in only You. No longer do I place a false sense of confidence up as a wall around me, but I trust You. You, my amazing creator.

I am Yours. Your beautiful imperfection.

-i miss being able to write like this. in time, maybe, just maybe, i will regain what i have lost; talent. but in order to regain talent i also need inspiration.